Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
absolutely not
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long