Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
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4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
so this horse walks into a bar