BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
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neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus