BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
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She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
this is how life feels
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*