BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
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I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”