bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
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New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*