bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
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*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.