Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
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Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Tony Hawk, age 6
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Um … Hot Wings please
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”