Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
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My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though