Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
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(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better