[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
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My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
United Steaks of America