[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
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My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Oh, I bet you would be
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.