[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
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Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.