[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
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Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.