Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
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Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates