Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
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Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
what it’s like dating me:
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I put the h in mysterious.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.