[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
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My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
m’lady
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.