[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
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Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts