Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
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I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen