One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
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A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
when someone rings the doorbell
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Why are bridges so flammable.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.