*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
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I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
This trial is so absurd 😭
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.