[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
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[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.