[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
You Might Also Like
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
This fish is cracking me up
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo