Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
You Might Also Like
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Things will get butter, keep churning
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I falcon love using swear birds
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?