Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
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hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Every. Damn. Time.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
i choose….tongue
looks legit
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way