When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
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“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar