Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
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Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Oh, I bet you would be
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used