Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
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23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Breaking news:
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults