[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
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For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
who wants to go expliring
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”