[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
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I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*