[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
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You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby