[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
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Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.