[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
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The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
the three branches of government
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.