[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
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Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
three things we don’t talk about
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone