@shutupmikeginn: Banned from Yelp for including "the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask" in my Chuck E Cheese review
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@_notyourmom_: My 13 year old doesn't speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she's going to be a hitman someday.
@beeftweets: I wish corn would teach other foods how to explode into a different food that's 10 times better.
@TedBundybitch: When I tell people I don't speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home
@SomthinBoutSara: Pro Tip: you can't just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail