Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
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Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Happy Friday
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.