Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
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This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Ion see the issue
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly