“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
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If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.