[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
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Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.