[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
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I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.