[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
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Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did