[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
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My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Why is no one talking about this?!
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.