Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
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It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.