[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
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Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
consequences, the bane of my existence
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger