*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
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Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.