*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
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[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.