*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
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“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*