BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I WON A HAM TODAY
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
How do you like your Corgi?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
No regrets in 2018
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.