Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
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I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.