BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
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[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no