[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
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You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Who knew!
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on